Posts Tagged 'Penis Warmer Anyone?'

Abbytron’s Exciting Adventures in Crochet-land

About eight years ago, a friend of mine got into crocheting. She was really excited about it and I’ve always loved trying new crafty things, so she sort of taught me how to do it. When I was a kid, my grandma tried to teach me how to knit, but I wasn’t really into it. I have very poor coordination and find it difficult to learn things that involve some kind of physical precision. But I was older, and crochet appeared simpler because it only used one “needle” thing, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I dunno, you guys. You think I can sell these things on Etsy?

All I could ever figure out were the basic stitches, so that’s what I did, over and over again. My friend taught me how to make one thing. A thing that, out of context, may appear to be some kind of penis warmer. But it’s actually a pipe bag, because my friend was a frequent marijuana user and such things had utility for her. They did not for me, but I made them anyway, because I actually got pretty good at it making them. Whenever I tried to make anything that wasn’t a pipe bag, it kind of turned out a disappointment. (I really wanted to make a beanie-type hat, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger and there is no human head that could have accommodated it in the end. I deemed it a bag, instead.)

To a degree, it worked out well. I was able to give my friend her Christmas present that year in one of the very prettiest pipe bags I ever made (wish I still had some of that yarn, it was magnificent), and I went on to create larger “pipe bags” which I used for wine bottles to give other people as gifts. Because it turns out that most of the time when you crochet something, you don’t keep it. You give it away or you sell it, because what do you need with all this crocheted crap? Incidentally, I still have several pipe bags, but no stoner friends who might find them useful. However, if you have a penis, maybe you might want something to keep it warm?

The best thing I've ever crocheted. Too bad it's not even a thing compared to what real crocheters can make.

Anyhow, I did eventually attempt branching out to other things. I made a couple of coozies, and some handbags (including a large one, at left, which I actually use as my yarn bag). But I couldn’t understand crochet patterns enough to make anything elaborate, or even anything that had any other stitch than the plain kind I knew. My inability to learn how to crochet anything remotely useful resulted in me giving up the craft.

I tried picking it up again earlier this year. I was able to figure out that basic stitch again. The first thing I tried making was, of course, a pipe bag. About a dozen attempts later, I realized that I was not going to remember how I made those phallic little things. So, I made a regular bag instead. Boy, was that horrible, but at least I made something. Since then, I’ve been working on a tiny blanket, or some other quadrilateral object. I’m not sure, because I still have a ways to go on it. I’ve left it sitting for months at a time without touching it, then will do a few rows and have to put the yarn away when my cat starts harassing me.

I’ve got tons of yarn, and really want to turn it into something. So I will keep at this blanket (thing) project until it’s complete and then maybe try another. Maybe even take more stabs at those complicated stitches. Because, honestly, I will not be satisfied until I finally have an actual hat, that I can wear to keep my head warm. The hilarious thing is, I don’t even wear hats. And even if I did, I could buy one for much less hassle. This is one of the very rare times when I think I may be motivated on principle alone.