The Batman that never was, but should be

Back when I was a teenager, my friends and I went through various nicknames for one another, mostly for discreet note-writing purposes. In junior high, we all had different secret agent names (I was Agent Double-O Cool, my friend Kim was Agent Double-O Weird, Amy was Agent Double-O Sexy … sometimes, for brevity’s sake, we’d drop the “Agent Double-O” part, so sometimes I was just Cool). Before that, near the start of junior high, we all had boy names (I was Henry, Alana was Joe).

Enter high school and I moved to another town and had brand new friends to make up nicknames with. This was basically just me and my friend Briana, because for most of high school we were each other’s main friend. I revived the secret agent names for us. I don’t remember what hers was, but we added a fun element to our secret agent letters where we wrote at the end that the note would self-destruct. We’d read the letter, crumple it up, and toss it in the hallway on our way to class. None of the notes actually included any real-life, personal or relevant information. It was more for a fun gag to play on whatever fellow student happened to find the crumpled note on the ground.

I don’t even remember how it began, but eventually we ended up with dirty superhero names inspired by the Batman universe. I was Batcunt. She was Pussywoman. In our senior year, we came up with names to assign our friends in line with the theme. We didn’t tell them all the names we’d given them. It was more for us to keep up the charade. What’s quite unfortunate is neither us had the creative or artistic wherewithal to take this pornographic version of the Batman tales any deeper than converting the names. So if any of my more ambitious, talented friends thinks they can make something of it, feel free. Here’s a list of what we started, should you be inspired to finish it:

Batcunt: The vigilante alter-ego for Loose Wayne, a female billionaire in Floggem City.

Throbbin’: Batcunt’s trusty sidekick.

Pussywoman: Floggem City’s antihero who has an ambiguous relationship with Batcunt.

Commissioner Hard-On: Batcunt’s ally on the force.

The Stroker: One of Batcunt’s greatest enemies, an evil psychopath who dresses like a clown.

The Diddler: A clever and comical adversary of Batcunt, who puts together puzzles for others to solve his crimes.

The Cock: Supervillain who loves birds … a little too much.

Two-Sex: Hermaphrodite Pervy Dent’s evil persona.

Let’s talk about Betty’s tumor!

Okay, I hope that if you’re reading this, it means you’ve watched the latest episode of Mad Men, or at least are not concerned about spoilers.

On April 1, we learned that Don’s ex-wife, Betty Francis, has a tumor on her thyroid. This is after she goes into the doctor to get a prescription for diet pills, as she’s gained quite a bit of weight since we saw her last season. She says nothing she does has worked to help her lose weight, which made me wonder how much she’s actually tried. I’ve never seen Betty do much physical activity, except horseback riding, and don’t even know if dieting is a possibility for her considering how little she seemed to eat to begin with.

Anyhow, the doctor says he has to examine her first before he can prescribe her any pills and finds some kind of growth on her thyroid gland which may be cancerous. Yet, at no time during the show or follow-up articles/reviews of the episode does anybody appear to draw the connection between weight gain and thyroid problems.  Instead, when Betty finds out that the tumor is benign, she complains that she’s been put through the ringer only to find out she’s “just fat.” Then at the end of the episode, she finishes her own dish of ice cream and then starts on her daughter’s leftover ice cream. She’s just an eatin’ machine!

It can’t be a coincidence that the show put Betty’s tumor on her thyroid. Depending on how long it’s been there, it could also explain her horrible attitude and general dismal outlook on life, not to mention the distance she keeps from those around her. Because when you go to a doctor to be treated for depression, one of the first things they do is test your thyroid. Because treating a person’s thyroid problem is a much more permanent fix for depression than giving them pills to regulate their dopamine and such for the long term.

Hey, I know something that could cause a thyroid problem: A tumor ON a thyroid! No crap, right? Like, hey, even if it’s benign, that’s no reason to just forget about it and move on. There’s no indication made that she plans to have it removed. Also no indication made that she’s been informed the tumor could have caused her weight gain. And yet those two things could most certainly be directly related, and the people who wrote that into the show surely are aware of it. So what the heck? Why isn’t this being addressed? Why does she find out the tumor’s benign and consider that the end of the issue? Why am I the only person who’s even mentioned the correlation between depression, weight gain and disruption in the thyroid? Is it because it’s just so obvious? Because IT IS SO OBVIOUS.

Get that thing removed, Betty! It could be the answer to a lot more problems than you realize.